Recently in The Work Dillitante Category

I was speaking with a friend about love, true love and the experience it brings to our lives.  When I hit middle age, I realized that I had been holding onto a sacred belief about love and that belief had kept me from truly experiencing love at all.  I was bound by my history and hoping for a future where love was concerned, and living without love.

Byron Katie said, "As long as we believe any negative concept about one person ("He's selfish," "She's arrogant," "He should stand up for me," "She shouldn't do this," "He should do that,") that we're going to project those negative thoughts onto everyone - our husband, our wife, our parents, our children.  Sooner or later, when we don't get what we wont from them, or when they threaten our sacred beliefs, we're going to impose that concept onto them.  This is what we humans do.

I don't understand other people.  I only understand my perception of others - my story that I've made up in my mind about them.  This is played out so beautifully in my relationship with my dear husband.  When I'm centered, totally conscious and aware, I am love and I experience love with my husband.  When I'm unconscious, unaware, playing my "story", then I get angry with him because he's not fulfilling my story correctly about him.  He's selfish, he's distant, he's...he's... Well you get the idea.  He really doesn't have anything to do with my love story about him. It's not personal, because I'm the projector.

More importantly, as I'm learning, if I don't love myself, the projector lens is dusty.  I can try to move the screen, to better light, to a more romantic spot, to a darker room, but if the lens (read: my thoughts) about myself are negative, then that picture on the screen will show the dust.  When I've cleaned the lens and found home in reality - that I am love - then the whole world reflects that love and the whole world loves me - even though they might not realize that yet.

Once I find that healthy self-love, not the narcissistic, needy story about love, then I can be intimate and present with anyone.  And I do love everyone I meet when I'm in love with my self.  There's always been talk about us boomers; that we are the "me" generation, and selfish, greedy, totally self-absorbed.  It has taken some evolution of those baby steps we took in the 70's at self-actualization to be enlightened (at any given moment - now - it's gone - now - it's gone) and realize that self love encompasses the whole of everything.

When I get angry with my husband because he "isn't there" for me, what I'm really saying is, I'm not there for me.  It's so much easier to see it in another person.  In truth, I'm married to reality - to God - and when I understand that, and feel that love, then it does not really matter what others do or don't do, think about me, or anything.

For my Christian women friends, Mathew 22: 37-39 states this eloquently:

 ³⁷Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind
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   ³⁸This is the first and great commandment.

   ³⁹And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.

So if we first see God as reality, "what is", the beginning and end of everything, Love in Action, then we can love our neighbor as we love ourselves.  (This last part can be hard on Christian women because we've believed other people's (Paul's) stories about us! <grin>) We have to know that God is it, is in us, is with us, is Love, then it's easy to drop our stories of ourselves and each other and experience the greatest love we've ever known.

God is everything and everyone.  That is pure, total love, baby, and excludes no one.  When we have healthy self-love, and we meet a drunk on the street, or a raging maniac on the road, or our family member that drives us crazy - hey - if we see it in them - then it is in us.  We cannot be repelled because it is them believing their story about themselves and if we have issues with them, that is our story about them - it is not them.  And we see the truth about them - the love story about them - because we have given it to ourselves.  We can be totally present, the right words and actions come, because we are living this moment with them.

Kindness and compassion come when we surrender to the love that we are.  Love is This means this is one sweet world when we drop our stories about ourselves and about other people.  This is kind and benevolent, and totally safe.

After stewing for a few days on the anti-immigration email, I realized with surprise and laughter at myself, that I had taken the ball and run with it. I thought I was so much better than my friend because I'd never send an anti-immigration email, I wasn't prejudiced, I was so damn self-righteous, it was hilarious!

So, back to the four questions FOR ME this time -

Is it true that my friend is unconscious and uncaring?

It seems true, or she wouldn't send out racist emails.

Can I absolutely know that it's true?

No, I can't absolutely know that it's true. She seems very caring most of the time.

How do I react when I believe the thought that my friend is unconscious and uncaring?

I get mad, judgmental, push her away emotionally. I get self-righteous and think that I'm better than her. I rage an emotional war on my friend. My jaw gets tight, I get all upset, my stomach hurts, I feel nervous and restless and feel bad all over.

Where would I be without the thought that my friend is unconscious and uncaring?

I would be closer to her. I would just "be" with her. I could just delete the email without reacting and making it a lesson on how to be "right" in the world according to me. I would meet her with compassion.

Turn Arounds:

1. My friend is caring and conscious. She's a great mother, she cares about people and wants to help heal them and does that through her work. She's inclusive in her friendships and doesn't act like a racist nor talk like a racist nor show any signs of being racist. She's a kind woman who really loves people.
   
   
2. I am uncaring and unconscious. By taking a tirade and warring on my friend, I was doing exactly what I was accusing her of doing. I flew into my ego faster than lightening, believed my story and told the world how right I was. I judged her, hung her on the cross, and left her there to die. I went totally unconscious and totally self-righteous because I believed my story. I also am uncaring and unconscious about myself and don't nurture growth or understanding or compassion. I judge myself as harshly, if not more than anyone. As long as I do that to myself and believe it, I'm pretty sure it will come out towards someone else.
   
   
3. My thoughts are uncaring and unconscious. When I fly into a tirade about anything that doesn't fit into my ego's rules and my world, I believe I'm right and the world is wrong. That removes me from myself, the world, and any hope of connection with another human being. I don't care about others when I'm in that thought, I don't care about anything but being right. I go unconscious and find nothing but blackness.
   
   
4. I am caring and conscious. I found the work. It helps me work through emotional stress and issues that heretofore would go unquestioned, and I could easily lose a friend. I care about how I live and I want to live in integrity. I'm tired of being the "world's police" which is something I learned long ago from others who didn't know the four questions. I care and I took a baby step today to be conscious.

I will delete emails that have the potential to send me into a tail spin. I will realize that if I'm about to give a sermon to someone about their actions, that I better sit down and ask myself the four questions first, because THAT is where the work needs to be done.

I want peace, and doing the work on myself will facilitate that in my life and in the rest of the world.

Thank you Byron Katie Mitchell - I love that you share The Work. Nameste' - No Mistake...